MEMORANDUM FOR RECORD

FROM: OFFICE OF THE CHIEF VISIONARY DISRUPTOR

TO: ALL INVESTORS, BOARD MEMBERS, AND PEOPLE WHO WANDERED INTO THE WRONG MEETING

RE: ACQUISITION OF KEYGRAVE PERIPHERALS

TRANSCRIBED BY: J. REEVES, COMMUNICATIONS

Brock Granite here.

Last Tuesday I was on the engineering floor — beautiful floor, just had it recarpeted, eleven thousand a square foot, supposed to increase velocity — and I saw a kid. Developer. Glasses. The whole situation.

Big keyboard. Hundred-something keys. He was pressing one of them. The number 1. Over and over. 1. 1. 1. 1. For nine minutes.

I said "What are you doing." He said "Coding." I said "You're pressing one button." He said something about AI. The AI writes the code, he presses a number, the code ships. I said "What's it called." He said the name. I'm not repeating the name. Doug in Legal — not the Doug I fired, different Doug — said if I say it in a recorded memo, something happens. I don't remember what. Something with letters. I told Doug I don't believe in consequences. He said "That's why I'm here, Brock."

Two hundred and forty thousand dollar salary. One key.

And I thought: that's a product.

You getting all this, Jennifer?

It's Jasmine.

What did I say?

...Jennifer.

I said are you getting this.

Yes.

Good.

I called Doug — first Doug, fired Doug, he wasn't fired yet, keep up — said "Find me someone who makes small keyboards." He said "How small." I said "Three keys." He said "That's a remote control." I said "Doug. Next word. 'Yes' or 'severance.'" He said yes. Let go two weeks later. Took the stool. It had a wobble. We let him keep it.

Bought a switch company out of Shenzhen for four hundred thousand and a pallet of Chasm Logic kombucha three weeks from expiration. Renamed them Keygrave Peripherals. Founder cried. CTO asked what "Keygrave" means. I said "It's where keys go to die, Marcus." His name wasn't Marcus.

The CCK-3. Three keys. 1, 2, 3. No letters. No nothing. You press it, it's pressed. We're moving forward.

Nobody presses Key 3. Six months. Four hundred testers. Zero. QA tried. Their fingers "drifted to Key 1 involuntarily." I said cut it. They said regulatory. Something about the EU. I stopped listening after "the EU."

Then there's a bigger one. Six keys. The Pro. I don't remember what the extra ones do. One sends a Talc message. One files a ticket to someone who quit. That was a bug. We shipped it. Nobody could tell.

Then there's the Ultra. Wireless. You press 1, it goes to a datacenter, some big expensive AI decides if you meant it, sends it back. Sometimes it changes your answer. You don't find out. You're billed either way. I showed the board. Said "We built a keyboard that doesn't trust the user." Half walked out. Half doubled down. Someone called it a "man-in-the-middle attack on a keyboard." I'm putting that on the website.

It needs some kind of token. Card. Slot. Camera. Not encrypted. I had a security team. They're gone. There's a sticker on the box.

And there's a wristband. Reads your heartbeat. Presses keys for you. Can't take it off. I'm not getting into it now because Jennifer's making a face.

...

She'll have the specs. She figures everything out. That's her whole deal.

Three keys. Six keys. No keys. You're not the engineer. You're the rubber stamp. We made the stamp wireless.

We're done here.

Brock, you didn't cover the pric—

I said we're done.

ADDENDUM — PRODUCT SPECIFICATIONS

Prepared by J. Clay, Communications Division

CCK-3 — Approval Peripheral

Three-key wired input device for approval-based development workflows. Keys 1, 2, and 3 correspond to options presented by Claudetite-compatible agentic coding tools. There is no remapping. There are no modifier keys. There is no Escape key.

The Quick Start Guide is one sentence: "Press 1."

Keyz Pro — Power User Peripheral

Extends the CCK-3 with keys 4 through 6. Mr. Granite described these as "the ones for people who feel guilty."

Key 4: "Wait, What?" — Re-displays the summary of the pending code change. Does not display the change itself. Average time between pressing Key 4 and pressing Key 1: 1.4 seconds.

Key 5: "Undo (Conceptual)" — Sends a Talc message reading "looking into it." Does not interface with version control. Twelve candidate messages were A/B tested. "Looking into it" scored highest for perceived competence. The runner-up, "interesting," was rejected after focus groups reported feeling "diagnosed." Key 5 also opens a browser tab containing the relevant diff. This tab was read in 0% of sessions and closed an average of 4.2 days later.

Key 6: "Escalate" — Creates a Strata ticket and assigns it to a team member selected from the directory. The assignment algorithm preferentially selects deactivated accounts. This was logged as a bug. The QA report noted:

Reclassified as a feature. Shipped in 1.0. Key 6 also closes the terminal.

Keyz Ultra — Wireless Agentic Peripheral

All keypresses are transmitted via WiFi 6 to a remote inference endpoint, evaluated by a large language model against a 128,000-token context window of prior keypress history, and returned to the user's machine. Round-trip latency: approximately 340ms.

Authentication is via physical API token slot (Slot B). Token printed on 250 GSM card stock, photographed by onboard camera, OCR'd, transmitted via HTTP. Not HTTPS. The security team raised concerns. The security team has been dissolved. Compliance is indicated by a holographic sticker reading "SOC 2." This is not a certification.

Ultra Wristband — Biometric Companion Device

Note: Mr. Granite departed before covering this product. Documentation is based on engineering briefs and a voicemail Mr. Granite left himself at 2:14 AM on January 9th, consisting of 42 seconds of highway noise followed by the words "the wristband knows."

Monitors heart rate, galvanic skin response, and keystroke-preceding micro-hesitation intervals (6–11ms). Data is fed to the Ultra inference model to enable predictive keypress behavior.

In testing, the model began issuing pre-emptive keypresses an average of 1.7 seconds before physical key contact. In one session, a diff was approved 4 seconds before the tester's finger reached the device. Intent was inferred from biometric data alone. The code deployed to production.

The override model was trained on internal communications data to establish baseline professional tone and editorial judgment. The contributor is credited in the model card as "Participant J."

Pricing

Mr. Granite did not cover pricing. It is available on the product page. When informed of the pricing structure, he responded via text: "I don't care what it costs. I care what they'll pay." This has been forwarded to Legal (Doug).